at that particular time...

I volunteered to watch Addi all day today-I don't know how people do this all day, every day. Addi was all over the place-I took her out for a ride on her tricycle for 45 minutes, we watched SpongeBob and I was taken aback when I realized that I was able to lip synch two episodes due to previous viewing situations. I'm almost positive I've seen every episode at least twice. I inflated her wading pool and set it up on the patio-it took nearly 30 minutes to fill it up because Addi insisted on hosing me down instead of filling the pool. We spent the better part of 2 hours outside in the pool and hosing the patio down. The patio is so clean a rabbi could certify it kosher. We had a blast playing in the water today...

I have a blast playing with Addi-but when she went to sleep at 6:45pm, I was pretty happy about it. I'm worn out. I have no idea how it is that I have managed to stay up this late.

I've been all over the place the last week or so-emotions running high and low, shallow and deep...and most times, I return to the exact location of my emotional departure. It's neither primarily positive nor grossly negative, just something that I don't quite understand well enough to be comfortable with yet.

How can I spend so much time trying to understand what should be a response to simple questions and return with nothing? I should have worked for the CIA-I have the ability to confuse even myself...or maybe that's my only real talent here. Either way, I spent a lot of time working through some things and ended with the same information I used to start this journey.

Nikki and I have slowly started to become more "okay" with talking to one another on a more regular basis. I don't ask about her "outside" life and she doesn't ask about mine. We have discussed the option of a friendship once the dust settles and we're both open to it but there are probably silent exceptions.

In hindsight, we navigated our relationship like two hidden submarines-seeking the other by sonar, thus revealing our positions through this action. I won't get into the "We should have..." or "We could have..." I have thought quite a bit about what should/could have been done differently and reached the conclusion that, short of learning what not to do in the future, it is frustrating that so much time went by in hiding and that we reached this place before we surfaced and revealed our position to the other.

I had a pity party for one for a couple of days last week-I wish I wasn't such a moody little bitch sometimes-but I'm dealing with it. Most of the normal cynical/sarcastic version of me has returned for everyone to enjoy...the rest will take a little time to recover and assemble.

I feel like a cross between Henry Bemis and Rob Gordon...with a little Virginia Woolf. (Who the hell are Henry Bemis and Rob Gordon?)

"Time Enough at Last" became one of the most famous episodes of the original Twilight Zone. It is "the story of a man who seeks salvation in the rubble of a ruined world" and tells of Henry Bemis, played by Burgess Meredith, who loves books, yet is surrounded by those who would prevent him from reading them. The episode follows Bemis through the end of the world, touching on such social issues as anti-intellectualism, the dangers of reliance upon technology, and the difference between aloneness (solitude) and loneliness. (Wikipedia)

"High Fidelity" follows the 'mid-life' crisis of Rob, a thirty-something record-store owner who must face the undeniable facts - he's growing up. In a hilarious homage to the music scene, Rob and the wacky, offbeat clerks that inhabit his store expound on the intricacies of life and song all the while trying to succeed in their adult relationships. Are they listening to pop music because they are miserable? Or are they miserable because they listen to pop music? This romantic comedy provides a whimsical glimpse into the male view of the affairs of the heart.

It's amazing how much damage can be done in two years-not just one on one but to all of the other people around my circle of friends. Most of my friends have forgiven me for the absence without so much as asking why I disappeared and how or why I have recently surfaced. I'm planning a trip to California in about 10 days-I hope to see some familiar faces and reconnect on some level. I've got a lot of ground to cover.

I hope to look into the mirror and recognize the face staring back at me sometime soon.

I have yet to pick up "Seven Types of Ambiguity" again. The title is too close to my reality. I was at Borders yesterday and found the new David Sedaris book "When you are engulfed in flames" and "God is Dead" by Ron Currie, Jr. I'm 47 pages into the latter and expect to finish the book this week. My goal is to read two books per month (keep the brain alive, you know?) and to somehow get back into "Seven Types..." by the end of next month.

"That Particular Time"