I hope I can get back to the guy who can write poetry without agonizing about it. Write creatively without editing so much of what I say. I wonder if I can get back to that "free spirit" of writing I used to possess so many years ago...okay, maybe it was a decade ago. As much as I hated it, there was a certain creativity that I was able to stir at 4am, sans coffee. I don't currently want it bad enough to get up at 4am-maybe I can find another inspiration. Maybe I should work on getting back into architecture...start with the logical side of my brain first. Makes sense, right?
Since acquiring the PS3, I have stubbornly come to the realization that I take video games far too seriously. If I crash the car, it doesn't actually cost me any more than the $60 I paid for the game. Still, it aggravates the shit out of me that I cannot get a car around a simple track three times. The premise is easy...I don't even care about being in first (or fifth) place, mind you, I simply want to finish the race. Someday soon, I'll get okay with sucking at video games (I blame waiting until I'm nearly 40 to start playing them) or I will improve. My money is on the former because this is one situation where mediocrity is okay with me.
My desire to achieve grows stronger with every year that passes because I know I have that much less time to get it done...some things I have determined are just not intriguing enough to warrant my constant self-aggravation.
I spent the better part of my evening at Beth's house...eating pizza, drinking beer and talking about life...and how you just wake up one day and *poof*, you're 35...wait, what? How did I get here?
I imagine that it's very different for Beth as she has experienced so many things I have not-marriage, two great kids, divorce, and travel to lands so foreign that you don't drink the water. It's great to have a friend who has so much experience to share, an ear to bend and words of candor (which I appreciate greatly) about my many choices and decisions in life. It's not very often that people have friends that make them consider the "other" side.
I'm inspired to reach out to many of my other friends, cast adrift over the past couple of years for various reasons...see just what they're up to these days. I hope my stories are just as interesting to them as their stories are sure to be for me...
I've grown accustomed to the life that Nikki and I built over the past couple of years and I enjoyed 90% of it. It's going to be a challenge to remember, learn from and release enough to progress. I keep flashing back to a line from a poem I wrote 13 years ago..."Do you have the elegance to let go, without destroying what you've built"? I'd really like to hold on to the great memories and move on without destroying anything positive...This time we're in now is delicate-this much I recognize.
Every ending offers another beginning and the book of fate is always open in the middle, right?
"there's no reincarnation
you're only human once
so make yourself at home"
---"Make yourself at home" Trashcan Sinatras
It's time to pick up "Seven Types of Ambiguity" and get it done already...it's been far too long.
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