Five months have passed since I last visited this space...a lot has happened in that time. I'm not sure why I haven't taken the time to sit down and catalog how I processed it.
The last couple of years have seen the loss of a lot of very talented people - as happens with the progress of time. People get old, experience severe health issues, or they make sudden decisions. As this is most visible with famous people - I will occasionally stop momentarily to recall what I know of the person who has passed and, invariably, move on after this pause. While it's sad that they've passed - the selfish part of me doesn't acknowledge it beyond this phase because they didn't make an impact.
There have been two exceptions this year: Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington. I didn't know them personally, nor did I ever meet them in person. But the music they wrote and performed spoke to me - provoked thought, got me involved in how I was feeling, what I was feeling and, in some very personal way, helped me to rationalize the things around me that I felt were not normal. I was going through some really rough times when Linkin Park's Hybrid Theory was released and those rough times continued, off and on, all the way through the release of Meteora three years later. Both of these albums provided some odd level of comfort in a way that people could not. With Chris Cornell, his voice and lyrics express the feelings that are often buried for the sake of appearing 'normal' - The Day I Tried To Live is probably the best example. I have so much appreciation for almost everything he did...Temple Of The Dog, Soundgarden, Audioslave and a few others...all slightly different in style tied together with his incredible voice. The incredible roller coaster of my imagination, guided by my experiences, thoughts, goals and fears.
Nothing is more reliable than music when I have nowhere else to turn. It doesn't try to figure me out, fix me or make it all better...it simply provides a level of comfort for the situation. Not everyone wants to be fixed. Some people just want to be heard and music listens when people can't shut up.
Music is very personal to me in a way that people close to me fail to understand. Ironically, the people who do understand and share a similar connection are often not good for me to be close with for many of the reasons that makes the musical connection so important. It's so fucking cliche to hear so many people say that some song 'saved them'...but deep down, I get it. Those that don't understand the music connection haven't reached the hollow ends of despair...sharing that sense of failure, regret and pointlessness through music. Music is a form of poetry that is only truly appreciated by people who have been to the place where they had nothing else. Trusted nothing else. Confided in nothing else. Wanted for nothing else than to hear that someone else has been there.
It's been surreal to realize that these two masters of the music that spoke to me when I needed it most are gone. Consumed by their demons, each taking his own life. They were on top of the world but it wasn't enough. I get it. I wish I didn't but I do. The more you have, the harder it is to control the demons.
I've been listening to a lot of their music again - brought on by sudden changes in my own life that have me questioning my judgement.
My position with what I can only describe as the most dysfunctional organization I've ever experienced was 'eliminated' the day after my vacation. I was recently assigned to a project that has a zero percent chance of success - I raised flags that identified both current and future issues, along with imaginary cost savings that would transform into delays and operational cost increases and that was, apparently, my undoing. My personal integrity to do the right thing was the tipping point. Turns out - no one wanted to know if/when things might fail. I didn't get that email. I was made the scapegoat for all that went wrong because I was not on the 'inner circle' of 'yes' men. I refused to jerk off the boss just to see him smile.
Looking back at it, 24 hours later, it was truly only a matter of time before this period came to an end. Oddly enough, the timing isn't terrible...I've got two months to finish my PMP certification, finish some odd projects and get a new job in whatever location my better half finds hers. The PMP certification will be a great addition to my existing certification and I should be able to find a much more rewarding and solid career path. In spite of all of that - I just can't get past the conditions of the ending. I am attempting to refocus my energy toward more positive efforts but the silent nagging remains and it's all I hear when it's quiet.
The project car was up and running for a short time but engine trouble kept me from driving it much - the engine was sold and a replacement engine is due within the next few weeks (again - the timing might be pretty solid). It'll have completely rebuilt running gear and mechanical bits - once I'm gainfully employed and we've moved into a permanent residence, I'll look into the restoration process. Until then, I'll simply get it running and drive it around for a while.
I have a sneaking suspicion that we will move out of state - this place feels too temporary for roots to be planted...should know more in a few weeks though. That'll be a large hurdle to clear that will determine the landscape of the next journey.
So, for now, the focus is to keep breathing - move forward and build a foundation for a stronger, more permanent future. I've got a lot riding on it.
No comments:
Post a Comment