Day old white bread doesn't live, it just waits to be consumed.

Time has gone by but not much has changed...my resume and applications have yielded nothing.  Nothing - as in zero response from a human being.  After two months of this, I've decided to scrap my resume and hire someone to write one for me - I'm 'rebranding' and will also update my professional profile as well as my approach.  I have to press on and find a job that will keep me from the edge of the void.  At this point, that job could be at Walmart getting shopping carts from the parking lot to the store.  Tomorrow is one year since I've been gainfully employed - it's an anniversary that's weighing heavy on me because the longer it goes, the less useful I feel and that affects my self-respect.  I may as well get a fucking beach chair and start drinking beer on the porch at 9am.

Mentally, however, I'm in a weird place...I feel like I'm drowning as the waves crash over me while I try to surface for a breath.  I'm having a hard time figuring out which way is up.  I spend too much time alone and it's not doing my psychological state of being any good.  I'm also having some issues getting to sleep and staying asleep.  To quote Meg Myers: "Indelible human nature keeps me up at night."

The irony is that I have no motivation to interact with other people. My reality has sort of turned into the beginning of Alice In Wonderland where she's just falling while all of this normal shit floats by and occasionally helps her 'right' her perception of what is acceptable and comfortable.  All while trying to catch up to a rabbit she doesn't know - out of curiousity. She eventually stops questioning everything around her and just goes with it...maybe that's what I should do.  Just go with it.  Take in the experiences and 'be happy' with the journey instead of questioning every decision I've ever made that's led me to sitting at the computer right now typing this stream of conscious word salad.

This would be so much easier to explain if I were actually on drugs but I think it's just my psyche getting crunchy at the edges.  I should probably start writing regularly again - so that when I break someone can read my nonsense and interpret what happened and explain it to the couple of people who might give a shit.  Maybe I just need more restful sleep.

I'm losing my fucking mind, right?  That's what's happening here...but "it's always my choice".  It's fun when motivational posters can point out the obvious, isn't it?  I no longer judge people who talk to inanimate objects because I understand how they likely got to that point.  Nothing else makes sense.