4am

There's an awful lot that happens at 4am...some of those things are experiences that are so wonderful - they'll never be forgotten.  Some of those things are little voices that no one knew existed until they started making a sound.  Muttering words...Talking...telling the stories that weren't stories until they became verbalized.  A mind-speaking words the mouth can't fucking believe it's uttering...a consciousness taking it all in and trying to figure out how to store it without going off the rails.

The older I get, the more I realize just how much time I wasted in my youth-not having the faith in myself to do anything risky...other than completely destroy my credit profile while not doing anything worthwhile.  Aside from jumping on a plane and going to Alaska with little more than a duffle bag and a plane ticket, I wandered aimlessly through my 20's.  I found a few great things but lived what would otherwise be known as an 'ordinary' life.  I didn't travel or finish college.  I didn't get married or have kids.  I just fucking coasted...like a bug on a leaf floating around in a pool.  Two decades later, I'm realizing that I should have taken more chances-traveled to foreign countries, met more people, finished college...but I didn't know what I wanted.  And not knowing made it impossible for me to make decisions.  Maybe that explains why I'm such an asshole about it now-I loathe indecision with all of my being.

I now know that I want to travel and I know where I want to go (Thailand, Japan, Germany, Italy, Spain, Australia, Portugal, Panama) but I don't have the time or the financial well-being to allow this realized desire.  Thanks to being a 'late bloomer', I have student loans at a time when I should be nearing the end of my repayment cycle (if I'd gone to college when the opportunity came up the first time)...I'm fucking buried in student loans.  The real pisser:  Before I got my degree, I had a job making what I make now...but it was ten years ago (so I was actually making more) and I didn't have a debt to my name.

I'm pretty sure I chose the wrong career path and I see it now...and I know where I should have gone but, once again, it appeared too risky so I chose my current path and now I'm regretting that decision.  There's nothing worse than a job that expects nothing, fails to challenge and shows no sign of changing or growing into anything...it's just...there.  Some people enjoy this kind of consistent 'nothing' in a job but I'm not wired that way.  I have to do something, contribute something, accomplish something...other than showing up as scheduled and keeping my mouth shut most of the day.

Time is, once again, escaping me...but this time around I'm 100% aware of it.  I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse than when I didn't notice it as clearly as I do now.  Every day that passes makes me slightly more aware of the fact that I'm not doing what I want to do...that I've lost another opportunity to just be content.  Not 'blissfully happy', just content.  I want to wake up with a smile on my face, come home from work knowing that I was able to do more than warm a 20 year old chair in an office.  I want to do something that matters.  To me.  Is that too much to ask?