...someday

The "monkey" is growing up...and into her own. It's amazing how a toddler can make me feel older and wiser, slower and more thoughtful...and conversely, less agile, more aware, more sedentary and actually fear having to run anywhere. I don't think I could run two blocks if I had to right now. I'm not fat but I am gaining weight.

Time eludes me...I'm not as poetic or eloquent as I used to be...pieces of me are missing and at the same time, I'm finding things I didn't know were missing.

I regret having skipped the trip to California to see my grandfather before he died...I wonder if the desire to see my ailing grandmother is piggybacked on that regret...my grandmother and I were never close although I did like visiting with her when the leeches (read: my cousins) weren't around. The older I get, the more regrets I discover about my past. I've never been close to most of my family and I never really felt like I was missing out until recently...again, inspired by the "rug rat"...that wonderful kid has taught me many things in the past two years...and her mom has tolerated me for even longer...it's been a long road, but it's filled with new sights every day and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Nine months have come and gone...it hate when cliches come to life-the older I get, the faster the time goes by. Seems like only a moment ago that I was young enough to not care...now I'm old enough to let little shit get to me...all the time...for no real apparent reason. I have a feeling that I'm going to be that old man in the neighborhood, yelling at kids to "Stay off of my damned lawn!" As I did at their age, they'll laugh and find another lawn with a less uptight owner.

I've somehow managed to tolerate my job to surpass the two-year mark without so much as a whisper (it'll actually happen tomorrow). It amazes me every day that this place has been able to function for over 20 years without imploding. Things change every day...I've never been reviewed but I've been promoted twice...my old boss is now a co-worker and both leaders have moved on to other opportunities. We're on our third President in less than two years. It's an interesting place when the wheel is reinvented with each new leader...Two presidents of this company have left, a handful of salesmen...and only three of the original ten who started...two of the original seven managers remain...is this company in chaos or is it finally going to settle down and accomplish something?

I hired two new people with mixed success-one is an assistant, of sorts, who interviewed well and seems to have a lifelong learning curve when it comes to simple tasks. I'm trying to be patient...having a small child around me at home seems to be helping.

My grandmother on my father's side is dying...she has cancer and isn't expected to live too much longer...she's in California and doesn't recognize anyone. I have debated making the trip to California to see her once more but then I realize that I'd only be doing it for myself. If she doesn't recognize me, what does she get out of it? I read this and it makes me feel like I missed something as a child...some fucking hug that I missed out on that made me so cold to people. I don't know what it is...something is definitely missing...and only one person can change how I handle it. After Mary passes on, I'll only have one living grandparent and she doesn't know who anyone is anymore because Alzheimer's has consumed her memory.

I still haven't finished the damned book...I haven't even looked at it. And since we recently moved, I don't even know where it is anymore. Maybe I'll just buy a new book and try again.

I was much more eloquent nine months ago...