“In order to understand the world, one has to turn away from it on occasion."

Humans have a tendency to look at 'simple' animals and pity them for their lack of awareness of what's going on around them.  I know I've done it.  "That poor lizard doesn't realize just how awesome this solar eclipse is right now"  Poor little dude only lives for a few years.  Yeah, they miss a lot being simple creatures - but they also lack the desire or ability to fuck things up to the level they're at now.  These are stressful times - this year, in particular, has been challenging, frustrating and stressful.  It's been harder than normal to find joy - to find comfort - to find solace - or just relax and realize that life is meant to be enjoyed.  It goes by fast enough to not get bored but sometimes too fast to realize that a lot of that time has been wasted on really stupid shit - whether physical or emotional - and in it, there's a lesson to learn. 

I infrequently wake up with a tightness in my chest - stress that I've internalized because I don't have an adequate outlet.  It's a feeling that I've really fucked up and there's nothing I can do about it now.  Knowing that something shitty is going to happen without knowing when or how or why and just having to wait it out.

Some people have a coping mechanism that allows them to simply ignore all of this shit and 'just keep swimming' - I don't know whether to envy that or pity their inability to confront the uncomfortable things that cross their path.  I wonder if they ever question the validity of their chosen path - if things just work out for them more regularly and I'm simply burdening myself with things I can't control or shouldn't bother getting invested in - solving a problem that wouldn't exist if I'd simply ignore it.  My brain doesn't work that way - I've survived so many shitty situations by paying attention to circumstances that surround them and making a decision that keeps me in the clear. 

But what if those situations weren't as bad as my mind told me they were and just amplified them to give my brain something to do?  See the circular thought process?  That's what a friend of mine has coined 'middle aged anxiety' - something she hit a few years ago like a dumpster to the face in a dark alley.  She's now on anti-anxiety drugs so she can sleep through the night and not wake up half-filled with dread in the morning.  I'm not a medication taker - whether prescribed or found at a local liquor store - no, I just bottle it up inside until I find the appropriate outlet.  Sometimes it takes a while.  

This year, its challenges, limitations and brief moments of hope and joy is really taking a toll on my mental health.  I've never been free of so many types of stress, and yet, so consumed by new types that it's hard to breathe deeply enough to relax.  To look around and take in all of the good things that have happened, the experiences I'm forgetting because my brain is wound too tightly around trying to avoid the next problem or deal with shit that's unraveling very slowly (and probably doesn't matter all that much long-term).