It's in my head

I don't know what it is about getting older that has me thinking so much about the past - opportunities I'm glad I took, opportunities that looked like a burden that I ditched and later regretted.

I seem to best remember the regrets vs. the good decisions I've made.  Maybe because I've got so many more regrets than successes.  Maybe I'm just too hard on myself and focusing on the failures is a way for me to stay 'grounded' (whatever the fuck that means).

I find myself in another job that I don't love...I settle for what looks better than what I've currently got going on and that works for about six months before I start to wonder what the fuck I did to myself.  When it comes to making decisions about my career, I'm seriously my own worst enemy...and now I'm wondering if I should just give this thing some time to figure itself out before I look for the next hole to call home for a while.  This jumping around from place to place isn't getting me closer to content in the working world...if anything, I'm further away now than I was ten years ago.

I'm selling off one of my two project cars after much deliberation - I'm spending a lot of time and effort trying to figure out how to get it back together and it's just not happening.  I've spent way more than I'll ever get back from it but I need to let it go before it costs me even more.  A few years down the road, I hope to get to restore the other car...when I've stabilized the other wonky areas of my life.  Some days, I feel like the only part I've got worked out is the 'breathing' part because the rest of it is a fucking mystery to me.  I wish I could just let myself be happy.  Find some joy.  Smile more often.  Sincerely.